Have Her Back
I was recently thinking back to about a year ago when we were transitioning the kids to live with us. It was a really exciting time but full of havoc and change. Each weekend the kids would come to stay with us, and on Sunday nights we'd return them to their foster home. The drive back to Charlotte without them was always hard. Bob and I would have long talks, sometimes with our moms on the phone, sometimes through tears, as we drove back. We'd work hard to get everything done we could during the week so that the weekends with the kids were devoted to them and helping them adjust.
It was during last fall that I really learned how blessed I was to have solid friendships. A wonderful group of my girlfriends rallied around me, helped me celebrate-and threw me a family 'completion' brunch. While my situation was not the norm, they totally understood that this was a special time that they wanted to celebrate with me. They were kind, supportive, and full of words of encouragement. They showered me with their love and didn't disappear once the kids moved in-in fact, they continued to come alongside me and love us. I had the same experience with some neighbors who wanted me to feel community in my neighborhood and in the midst of their own lives were so willing to step out and support us. Friends and family from all over sent card, gifts, words of encouragement, and let me know they were near.
A year later, my cousin offered me, as she often does, a word of wisdom that I have been clinging to since. While the children that I adopted were not infants, I am only a year into being a mother. If I were parenting a one year old-or two, for that matter-no one would look twice when I said I felt overwhelmed by trying to do the right thing, tired, or even discouraged. It was like a lightbulb had gone off for me when she shared this view-I am a novice. While my kids can dress themselves, and brush their teeth, I am still learning who likes cheese on their burgers, who is scared of the dark, who gets nervous at parties, and how often to cut their hair. I forget that they need snacks. I don't know how much milk they need. While it's not diapers, feedings, and formula-I am only one year into figuring this out. A new mom is a new mom-it doesn't matter the age of the child.
What I've also discovered through this process is that some people think this should be easy because my kids are older. And while no one means ever to be unkind, I've been surprised how some acquaintances have reacted-or not acknowledged- our adoption. It's almost like because the kids are older, it's just not that big of a deal...because our culture is comfortable with what feels normal-celebrating babies.
Any change in a family is a change. And all change-while it can be good-is hard. Anyone who has shifted their dynamic in any way knows this. But anything good is worth integrating. My kids are no different.
So, if your friend is having a baby, adopting a child, sending a child to college, experiencing a separation, getting a new dog (yes, even a dog!), caring for an elderly parent, going back to school, caring for an ill child, whatever....maybe she could use a hand-be it a conversation, a meal, a glass of wine, or a hug.
It was during last fall that I really learned how blessed I was to have solid friendships. A wonderful group of my girlfriends rallied around me, helped me celebrate-and threw me a family 'completion' brunch. While my situation was not the norm, they totally understood that this was a special time that they wanted to celebrate with me. They were kind, supportive, and full of words of encouragement. They showered me with their love and didn't disappear once the kids moved in-in fact, they continued to come alongside me and love us. I had the same experience with some neighbors who wanted me to feel community in my neighborhood and in the midst of their own lives were so willing to step out and support us. Friends and family from all over sent card, gifts, words of encouragement, and let me know they were near.
A year later, my cousin offered me, as she often does, a word of wisdom that I have been clinging to since. While the children that I adopted were not infants, I am only a year into being a mother. If I were parenting a one year old-or two, for that matter-no one would look twice when I said I felt overwhelmed by trying to do the right thing, tired, or even discouraged. It was like a lightbulb had gone off for me when she shared this view-I am a novice. While my kids can dress themselves, and brush their teeth, I am still learning who likes cheese on their burgers, who is scared of the dark, who gets nervous at parties, and how often to cut their hair. I forget that they need snacks. I don't know how much milk they need. While it's not diapers, feedings, and formula-I am only one year into figuring this out. A new mom is a new mom-it doesn't matter the age of the child.
What I've also discovered through this process is that some people think this should be easy because my kids are older. And while no one means ever to be unkind, I've been surprised how some acquaintances have reacted-or not acknowledged- our adoption. It's almost like because the kids are older, it's just not that big of a deal...because our culture is comfortable with what feels normal-celebrating babies.
Any change in a family is a change. And all change-while it can be good-is hard. Anyone who has shifted their dynamic in any way knows this. But anything good is worth integrating. My kids are no different.
So, if your friend is having a baby, adopting a child, sending a child to college, experiencing a separation, getting a new dog (yes, even a dog!), caring for an elderly parent, going back to school, caring for an ill child, whatever....maybe she could use a hand-be it a conversation, a meal, a glass of wine, or a hug.
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