Dysfunctional Rescuing
Early in my career, as I began managing people, I discovered that my desire for perfection was cascading to those on my team. As a new manager, I was so desiring them to succeed (and let's be honest-me too) that I felt really uncomfortable letting them present to others or submit documents, without adding my commentary-usually which was not necessary at all. In fact, all it did was dilute the impact of my teammate, make him or her feel like they had probably not done a good job, and reduce their interest to take the lead another time.
I wasn't really aware of it at the time. I spent the first year managing a team feeling really nervous. I felt like I was 'fooling' everyone, like I didn't deserve the responsibility, even though I had worked for years to earn it. Looking back, what I was doing was inappropriately allowing feelings of anxiety to exhibit-and at the expense of those whom I needed to trust-and trust me.
I was leaving a large meeting one day, and a peer asked me how it was going. I was candid, and shared that I spent most of the time just feeling uneasy and uncertain. He gave me some words that I recall often. He said "You earned this. They wouldn't have put you here if you didn't deserve it. In a few months, this will be the new normal". He was right.
I believe the teammates that reported to me during those first days of management probably did not have a good year. In fact, they were, in essence, training me. They were very patient and I am so blessed that most of them remained on my team, despite the learning curve they endured with me. I had a few managers and coaches who, along the way, assured me that my team and I really knew what we were doing-and that everything can be solved one way or another should an error be made.
I started trying to really notice when I was overstepping-and started getting more comfortable with letting other people take the lead. I coined my behavior "dysfunctional rescuing" and used the term honestly when I was in coaching sessions with my team-and sometimes even apologizing for doing it. I found that if I coached my teammates before a presentation or an email-and gave feedback immediately after-that was far more of a constructive exchange. It enabled trust, teamwork-and let everyone grow appropriately.
Having the children enter my life has resurrected this old behavior in a few ways. It was glaring to me when I took Isaiah to his first day of second grade. I unpacked all of his supplies into his assigned cubby, showing him what I was doing. When I picked up Isaiah from school, he let me know his teacher had a message for me...while she understands that today was the first day of school, in the future, in his words "I am grown up in second grade now. I have to be in charge of my own supplies and unpacking." Fair point....I was so fearful Isaiah would be confused or lose something that I just took over....again. Of course he can unpack his backpack....
So, when Isaiah did not have his waterbottle for the 3rd day in a row when I picked him up, I let it go. I just said "Well, that's a bummer, guess you won't have one until you find it." I didn't go in the school, email the teacher, or engage. It turned up on day 4.
Earlier this week, Ciera broke the cupholder in the 6 month old car that we treasure....because she was kicking it. I typically would have just gotten it repaired on my dime. Instead, I asked her what she was going to do to fix it? She tried to fix it, asked for my help (to no avail), and Daddy couldn't fix it either-due to a broken piece. Ciera asked what was to be done. So, the next evening-once school was over, I let her know that I'd be taking the car in for service in 2 weeks, and I'd get an estimate. She'd be using her piggy bank to fund the fix. Ciera was concerned she might not have enough funds-and I assured her we'd find some ways for her to make up the difference. No tears. She made the problem, and she understood it's hers solve.
Turns out I need to let my kids fail. I am taking the Love and Logic parenting class, and it teaches us to let our children fail at affordable mistakes-like forgetting their lunch and being hungry, losing their goggles (huge issue in this house), breaking things and the list goes on and on. I have to let them do this, as painful as it is to watch, because if I keep "dysfunctionally rescuing" them now, they will lose things far worse as adults, not be accountable for their own mistakes and be people that are hard to work with...and I will have had a hand in that failure. Huge pressure, and totally uncomfortable, but it is the reality.
This change is so hard that it takes me literally stopping in my tracks. I have to rethink how I would handle something. In no way can I claim I am successful at this....but here and there, I am doing my best to let those in my life own their own life. It's far more peaceful.
I wasn't really aware of it at the time. I spent the first year managing a team feeling really nervous. I felt like I was 'fooling' everyone, like I didn't deserve the responsibility, even though I had worked for years to earn it. Looking back, what I was doing was inappropriately allowing feelings of anxiety to exhibit-and at the expense of those whom I needed to trust-and trust me.
I was leaving a large meeting one day, and a peer asked me how it was going. I was candid, and shared that I spent most of the time just feeling uneasy and uncertain. He gave me some words that I recall often. He said "You earned this. They wouldn't have put you here if you didn't deserve it. In a few months, this will be the new normal". He was right.
I believe the teammates that reported to me during those first days of management probably did not have a good year. In fact, they were, in essence, training me. They were very patient and I am so blessed that most of them remained on my team, despite the learning curve they endured with me. I had a few managers and coaches who, along the way, assured me that my team and I really knew what we were doing-and that everything can be solved one way or another should an error be made.
I started trying to really notice when I was overstepping-and started getting more comfortable with letting other people take the lead. I coined my behavior "dysfunctional rescuing" and used the term honestly when I was in coaching sessions with my team-and sometimes even apologizing for doing it. I found that if I coached my teammates before a presentation or an email-and gave feedback immediately after-that was far more of a constructive exchange. It enabled trust, teamwork-and let everyone grow appropriately.
Having the children enter my life has resurrected this old behavior in a few ways. It was glaring to me when I took Isaiah to his first day of second grade. I unpacked all of his supplies into his assigned cubby, showing him what I was doing. When I picked up Isaiah from school, he let me know his teacher had a message for me...while she understands that today was the first day of school, in the future, in his words "I am grown up in second grade now. I have to be in charge of my own supplies and unpacking." Fair point....I was so fearful Isaiah would be confused or lose something that I just took over....again. Of course he can unpack his backpack....
So, when Isaiah did not have his waterbottle for the 3rd day in a row when I picked him up, I let it go. I just said "Well, that's a bummer, guess you won't have one until you find it." I didn't go in the school, email the teacher, or engage. It turned up on day 4.
Earlier this week, Ciera broke the cupholder in the 6 month old car that we treasure....because she was kicking it. I typically would have just gotten it repaired on my dime. Instead, I asked her what she was going to do to fix it? She tried to fix it, asked for my help (to no avail), and Daddy couldn't fix it either-due to a broken piece. Ciera asked what was to be done. So, the next evening-once school was over, I let her know that I'd be taking the car in for service in 2 weeks, and I'd get an estimate. She'd be using her piggy bank to fund the fix. Ciera was concerned she might not have enough funds-and I assured her we'd find some ways for her to make up the difference. No tears. She made the problem, and she understood it's hers solve.
Turns out I need to let my kids fail. I am taking the Love and Logic parenting class, and it teaches us to let our children fail at affordable mistakes-like forgetting their lunch and being hungry, losing their goggles (huge issue in this house), breaking things and the list goes on and on. I have to let them do this, as painful as it is to watch, because if I keep "dysfunctionally rescuing" them now, they will lose things far worse as adults, not be accountable for their own mistakes and be people that are hard to work with...and I will have had a hand in that failure. Huge pressure, and totally uncomfortable, but it is the reality.
This change is so hard that it takes me literally stopping in my tracks. I have to rethink how I would handle something. In no way can I claim I am successful at this....but here and there, I am doing my best to let those in my life own their own life. It's far more peaceful.
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