The Road Less Traveled
I've been asked how we 'found' Isaiah and Ciera, so I thought I'd put some thoughts down for those who are interested. Adopting older children is kind of different and less common. Sadly, this is likely why there are so many children in the system, and aging out of the system. It is so tragic that, by no fault of their own, kids are removed from their birth families, rehomed with foster families, and often have to go on to make a new life for themselves. Though were were naive, we knew, going into this, that adopting older
children came with its own set of challenges. We also knew that many of
these children don't get adopted because of the stigma associated, that they are 'damaged'. Bob
had a true heart for adopting older children, and felt convicted that this was the way God
wanted us to build our family. I was certainly nervous, but I trusted
his gut. We set out to try to find out how to do this-no simple task.
When Bob and I decided we were going to explore adoption of older children, we started with DFS-Department of Family Services. Bob got a hold of someone at the local agency, and we went to a training night that we thought would be the jumping off point for seeking to find children to add to our family. We'd been on the Adoptuskids website, seen the beautiful children that were in need of families, and believed we were in the right place. We were even excited.
After sitting through a painful 3 hour presentation, we were horrified. Several employees from the agency spoke about fostering and adoption-and seemed to take joy in sharing the most disturbing stories they could find about placements gone wrong. We heard "Schizophrenia, think about it" , and "your child could be mentally ill" maybe 10 times. There were about 15 couples in the class, and I have to imagine that more than half were scared off. Who could blame them? The free pizza and colorful certificate was not enough balm for the pain of the evening. The night made us sad. We knew that children in the system would need help recovering from the circumstances that had forced them into the system and had resulted therein, but it was almost like a college 'weed out' class-are you tough enough to stay in the pack? No one talked about the support offered, the resources provided, the social workers that tirelessly help families in transition. It made me realize why families don't often consider adopting older children.
We left feeling that we needed help to better navigate the process. After a few conversations, we also learned that the public agencies are typically more focused on reunification of birth families than adoption. It's not that they don't support adoption, but it's not their typical goal-and while we totally appreciated the reunification goal, we were seeking to adopt, and needed someone to help us. Finally hearing that from an honest social worker at DFS let us know we needed to search for an advocate.
Bob took the lead on finding our agency, which was like a beacon of light. Childrens' Home Society is an agency that has the sole purpose of helping families become licensed to be foster and adoptive homes-and helps match families to children in the system needing homes. Our worker came to our home the Friday before Thanksgiving. We talked for several hours-and when she left, we were sold. She was sunny, honest, and real. We were candid with her about our lives, how we wanted to add to them, but also were transparent about the life we envisioned for our family. I was still nervous, but Bob had a peace I'd not seen in a long time. This must be the right place.
We spent the next several months becoming licensed. Saturdays were spent in class, paperwork was done for hours on end, our house inspected by several people. The list goes on. While the work was daunting, I kept thinking-I am doing this because the kids are worth it. The many questions I was asked forced me to really think about parenting and the classes that I had initially complained that I had to attend were truly beneficial and taught by experts.
It was the beginning of August the following year when our worker sent Bob and I both a one page powerpoint.........with a photo of the most darling children I had ever seen. Before I could even reach out to Bob, he had responded to our social worker with "Yes. Work your magic." Three weeks later we were interviewed by a panel of social workers for the kids, asked a ton of questions, and I, the nerdy marketer, presented a powerpoint of what the kids life might look like if we were chosen....photos of school, playgrounds, our church, our dog. I developed a 'care plan' of who would be in the kids life, and how I'd be able to manage being a working mom. I was determined to impress in any way possible.
After the interview, Bob and I stopped at Wendy's (why??? We never go there?). Bob was convinced that we'd be chosen, I was not counting on it. There were other families interested....who knows.
Labor Day was tough. We were in NY with friends, and confided in them what was going on, very cautiously. We had a great weekend and indulged, hopeful that we'd get a call that quick trips to NY might need to be put on hold for a few years.
I was sitting in a business review at work the following week. My portion of the presentation had completed, and my phone rang. I stepped out to answer the call. It was my social worker-with warm congratulations because I was going to be a Mom. I couldn't breathe and my eyes welled up. How on earth did I convince these people that I could care for two children? Had I lost my mind? How the hell was I going to do this?
After a brief conversation with Bob, I went back to the business review and completed the meeting. It was hard to focus, but I figured this would be my life going forward-working and thinking about my kids....and it has been ever since.
Here's our truth about the face of adoption- Isaiah and Ciera aren't perfect. I bet no one really has perfect kids. Isaiah and Ciera are sad sometimes, and they can't tell always share why. Some things scare them that might not scare their friends. Some things are harder for them, but, conversely, in some situations, they are so kind because they recognize how someone is different-like they sometimes feel. When we adopted our dog, and picked her up at her foster home, they kids commented that they knew exactly how our new dog felt. They want to be liked and accepted-as so do we with them. We will probably have therapists come in and out of our lives for a long time to help us sort out this new family. My kids refer to two people as "mom", and I have to be ok with that-but it's the least I can do considering the losses my kids have experienced. But this year, Isaiah learned to really read. Ciera learned to swim. They both took their first real vacation with us-and loved the ocean. They love dogs and cooking-probably because we have shown them our passions. They play Uno like champs. They cuddle, and the day I returned to work, they decorated my home office with words like "We love you to the moon and back" and "You are the best mom because you protect us". It's all a hot mess, but they aren't damaged goods. They are worth every piece of paper, every tear we shed trying to find them, and every irritating phone call we had to make. And we'll make mistakes figuring it all out, but they deserve a home that's peaceful, where they are safe, and loved. Every child does.
When Bob and I decided we were going to explore adoption of older children, we started with DFS-Department of Family Services. Bob got a hold of someone at the local agency, and we went to a training night that we thought would be the jumping off point for seeking to find children to add to our family. We'd been on the Adoptuskids website, seen the beautiful children that were in need of families, and believed we were in the right place. We were even excited.
After sitting through a painful 3 hour presentation, we were horrified. Several employees from the agency spoke about fostering and adoption-and seemed to take joy in sharing the most disturbing stories they could find about placements gone wrong. We heard "Schizophrenia, think about it" , and "your child could be mentally ill" maybe 10 times. There were about 15 couples in the class, and I have to imagine that more than half were scared off. Who could blame them? The free pizza and colorful certificate was not enough balm for the pain of the evening. The night made us sad. We knew that children in the system would need help recovering from the circumstances that had forced them into the system and had resulted therein, but it was almost like a college 'weed out' class-are you tough enough to stay in the pack? No one talked about the support offered, the resources provided, the social workers that tirelessly help families in transition. It made me realize why families don't often consider adopting older children.
We left feeling that we needed help to better navigate the process. After a few conversations, we also learned that the public agencies are typically more focused on reunification of birth families than adoption. It's not that they don't support adoption, but it's not their typical goal-and while we totally appreciated the reunification goal, we were seeking to adopt, and needed someone to help us. Finally hearing that from an honest social worker at DFS let us know we needed to search for an advocate.
Bob took the lead on finding our agency, which was like a beacon of light. Childrens' Home Society is an agency that has the sole purpose of helping families become licensed to be foster and adoptive homes-and helps match families to children in the system needing homes. Our worker came to our home the Friday before Thanksgiving. We talked for several hours-and when she left, we were sold. She was sunny, honest, and real. We were candid with her about our lives, how we wanted to add to them, but also were transparent about the life we envisioned for our family. I was still nervous, but Bob had a peace I'd not seen in a long time. This must be the right place.
We spent the next several months becoming licensed. Saturdays were spent in class, paperwork was done for hours on end, our house inspected by several people. The list goes on. While the work was daunting, I kept thinking-I am doing this because the kids are worth it. The many questions I was asked forced me to really think about parenting and the classes that I had initially complained that I had to attend were truly beneficial and taught by experts.
It was the beginning of August the following year when our worker sent Bob and I both a one page powerpoint.........with a photo of the most darling children I had ever seen. Before I could even reach out to Bob, he had responded to our social worker with "Yes. Work your magic." Three weeks later we were interviewed by a panel of social workers for the kids, asked a ton of questions, and I, the nerdy marketer, presented a powerpoint of what the kids life might look like if we were chosen....photos of school, playgrounds, our church, our dog. I developed a 'care plan' of who would be in the kids life, and how I'd be able to manage being a working mom. I was determined to impress in any way possible.
After the interview, Bob and I stopped at Wendy's (why??? We never go there?). Bob was convinced that we'd be chosen, I was not counting on it. There were other families interested....who knows.
Labor Day was tough. We were in NY with friends, and confided in them what was going on, very cautiously. We had a great weekend and indulged, hopeful that we'd get a call that quick trips to NY might need to be put on hold for a few years.
I was sitting in a business review at work the following week. My portion of the presentation had completed, and my phone rang. I stepped out to answer the call. It was my social worker-with warm congratulations because I was going to be a Mom. I couldn't breathe and my eyes welled up. How on earth did I convince these people that I could care for two children? Had I lost my mind? How the hell was I going to do this?
After a brief conversation with Bob, I went back to the business review and completed the meeting. It was hard to focus, but I figured this would be my life going forward-working and thinking about my kids....and it has been ever since.
Here's our truth about the face of adoption- Isaiah and Ciera aren't perfect. I bet no one really has perfect kids. Isaiah and Ciera are sad sometimes, and they can't tell always share why. Some things scare them that might not scare their friends. Some things are harder for them, but, conversely, in some situations, they are so kind because they recognize how someone is different-like they sometimes feel. When we adopted our dog, and picked her up at her foster home, they kids commented that they knew exactly how our new dog felt. They want to be liked and accepted-as so do we with them. We will probably have therapists come in and out of our lives for a long time to help us sort out this new family. My kids refer to two people as "mom", and I have to be ok with that-but it's the least I can do considering the losses my kids have experienced. But this year, Isaiah learned to really read. Ciera learned to swim. They both took their first real vacation with us-and loved the ocean. They love dogs and cooking-probably because we have shown them our passions. They play Uno like champs. They cuddle, and the day I returned to work, they decorated my home office with words like "We love you to the moon and back" and "You are the best mom because you protect us". It's all a hot mess, but they aren't damaged goods. They are worth every piece of paper, every tear we shed trying to find them, and every irritating phone call we had to make. And we'll make mistakes figuring it all out, but they deserve a home that's peaceful, where they are safe, and loved. Every child does.
Comments
Post a Comment