Older and wise

Last weekend, Bob and I, along with many friends, attended a fundraiser to help prospective families adopt through scholarships.  It was a fabulous evening, full of love, support, and a community of people doing the right thing. 

It got me thinking about adoption more than I have in a while…while I am almost three years into knowing my children, I’ve been reflecting on the period of time when we were in the daunting process.   It reminded me of the many people who are searching to build their families and the challenging task that it is to do so.  In many cases, it’s so costly it feels insurmountable, thus the fundraising need.  However, I wanted to put pen to paper about my experience because, as a result of public adoption, my experience may seem different.

I believe I have written about the fact that we found a not for profit agency that provided training, a social worker and many resources to support us through the process of creating our home study, getting certified as foster parents in NC, and ultimately finding Ciera and Isaiah.  In the effort of full transparency, I want to share that this process was at almost no cost to me.  Bob and I chose this path not because it was low cost, but because we were seeking older children, it just happened that most older children available for adoption are in the system already-so that is where we had to go.  We were willing to privately fund an adoption, it just became clear to us through our learning that public adoption was right for us-and it happened to be a very low cost option. The more we learned about the many children needing homes locally the more we felt that call to build our family that way.

I share this because I hate the idea that a person be discouraged from adopting due to costs.  Fees are daunting and going on websites, as I did for months, and seeing the tens of thousands of dollars required to adopt is frightening.  I know-I shuddered at the costs.  I struggled to understand the costs-and they are real and they are required.

I want to share, though, that in my adoption training class, there were families and individuals who did end up adopting a toddler, and a few, an infant.  It’s not the norm, but it is possible.  Public adoption has its own complexities, legality and processes.  Had I not had a social worker as fabulous as we did, I probably wouldn’t have found Isaiah and Ciera.  There are many websites that show the children available for adoption but there are thousands that never hit a website. In our case, Isaiah and Ciera never hit a website.  In fact, it was because of our social worker and theirs that we learned of them. No posting, no website, nothing.  Our social worker had a few sentences about Isaiah and Ciera---and a picture that sealed the deal.  

There were costs, but they were the ones that were able to be more simply managed….setting up a room, clothes (they arrived with almost none), travel costs to get the kids here each weekend for months, eating on the road, but all far less daunting.  When it came time to finalize, our attorney was identified by the agency, and did the case almost entirely pro-bono.  She too was a wonderful support in the process. 

There are different challenges adopting older children, and adopting publically.  I was never up all night with a baby, but I had to drive across town weekly for months to find the best therapist to help our family transition. And, for the past several years, we’ve been in and out of therapy as adoption means something at each stage for the kids.  They have very real memories that we have to work through, but it's manageable, especially now that they are getting older.

For me, there were different challenges.  I had to suddenly adjust to parenting two little people who were very opinionated, but I didn’t even know what toppings they liked on their pizza….I often felt like a total failure and spent much of the first year in tears because it turns out I couldn’t ‘operationalize’ parenting, much as I tried. I had to seek out support as well.  I have been reassured time and time again how many people want us to succeed as a family....friends, neighbors, church groups, colleagues, social workers, therapists....a team of love.  I say that because it's not a road anyone expects a parent to navigate independently.   Almost three years later, I called our social worker for advice....and she was flattered, if you can imagine that!  They are happy to help, it's who they are.

Bottom line-nothing about adoption is easy but every adoption is worth the effort.  I share this so you know that there are many ways to adopt, right here in the US, probably in your own community, just depending upon what’s right for you.  I make no judgement-every family is called differently.  Older kids are complex, but let me tell you how fun it is to design a bedroom for a little person with their input, take them to the ocean for the first time and see their joy, or have them finally call you "Mom", instead of Lauren...and then talk about 'when I used to call you Lauren'.  Or to finally figure out how to make a pizza that everyone will love.  Moreover, it’s finding those awesome people to help you navigate…but there are children everywhere that need families.