Limit

We are all hitting our limit.
And why not?  We have been scared and worried since at least mid March.  We are uncertain what the right choices are.  We are tired.  Very tired.
Some of us are worried about family, near and far, young and old.  Some of us are concerned for the friend who is ill, the neighbor who can’t get out any more, kids that are no longer in school and having a very strange summer.
My house is no different.  We are blessed that we are healthy, we are employed and we can feed our kids.  I know so many people that can’t say that-who could say that just days ago.  It feels like at any moment the rug that is just barely under us is going to shift and then everything will fall.  It’s just inches away.
And while my family does love each other, the stress of the situation is showing through arguments, tears, long walks with Hattie, and exhaustion.  Sometimes the house feels charged with this odd energy that isn’t right, and I know it’s not right because it lacks peace and comfort.  It’s like constantly being told bad news, day in and day out, while trying to balance how to handle yesterday’s bad news on top of all else.
It’s consuming.
It’s harder to think and concentrate than it used to be.  My mind races, it pulls at me all day and night and I worry.  I worry about everyone else and then selfishly about myself.  I read and read because it feels like I am supposed to be informed---and then I wonder why since I am one person and I can’t change this crazy spinning situation.  There are rules that change every day, sad stories I am finding harder to bear, and choices that I am saddened to make.
And there are moments, of course, of beauty.  Lovely moments when I hear the children laugh while playing together, finally. A phone call from a friend who is kind and listens. Walking Hattie and she smells a flower. Pizza and beer.  A date with Bob, even if it is on the porch.
I knew growing up would be hard, and I’d be faced with so much.  I also knew that being a parent would mean that I’d have to have a crash course in managing children and navigating life with them.
No one mentioned this.
Some days are ok and really fine.  And others, well, are just tiring.  Very tiring.  I never knew I could be this tired and not really be leaving the house much. 
Hang in there friends.  Much love

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