Brave New World
So this past weekend, Ciera attended a couple birthday parties. All week she was asking questions about them, what to wear...and then it hit me. I asked her "Have you ever been to a birthday party?". "No.", she replied. "Only ones for my brother and me.".
Well that stopped me. Crap-she's 7. Talk about unfair.
I had just recently had a conversation with our family therapist that was like gold-advice that I desperately needed. We had talked about new situations for the kids and how when a child is part of an event unlike anything they have ever experienced, they have no 'blueprint'. Specifically, a child is unclear what's coming, what they need to do to live up to parental expectations, and frankly, can be really scared or in sensory overload. I had seen recently my kids struggle at an event that met this definition. They were unsure their role, and Ciera especially wasn't taking direction well-something pretty unusual for her. I was irritated with her, kind of embarrassed, and so frustrated. But I learned during this event, I didn't live up to what I needed to do as the mom.
I learned that in these unique situations-kids don't necessarily feel safe. It's not that there is anything truly threatening -because the environment is safe. It's more that the circumstances are unfamiliar, and at a young age, it's hard to process and deliver back the right behavior. When kids want to do the right thing, but they don't feel safe or know what that right response is, they feel lost, and scared.
Once I got this advice, I thought back to the nonsense I have done to my kids-not knowing how totally unfair I was being. I think about Christmas-OMG! People, food, smells, noise. I can't believe they were as good as they were. Vacations, trips, fancy restaurants with linen napkins, hotels, beach-all places and experiences my kids never had before us, and did a great job rising to the occasion. But how unfair I have been to just expect them to 'roll with the punches'....and when I really thought about what I have asked them to do, I am floored they didn't pack their little bags and look for a home elsewhere. I just expected so much of them-and it's all new to them.
Our therapist did an amazing job sharing with me what I can do in these circumstances to help them cope. What she told me, which was a shocking reminder, is that I am the person that makes my kids feel safe. I suppose I knew that was my job, but when I really considered that I can make or break my kids feeling safe, I felt this sense of responsibility that was so glaring it jarred me. She shared that my job is to ground them when we are in new situations....whether that be walking away from the group, getting some lemonade, and taking a walk....putting the kids in the car for 10 minutes, talking with them, and showing back up at the party, or just gently saying "I'm over here" in a crowded room.
So this weekend, I tried some of these things with Ciera-and I am thrilled I did. She behaved fine, she had fun even though she told me she was nervous, and she was so happy to be included. She took quite a nap afterward too, which let me know that she rose to the occasion, but at the end of the day, she's 7, and she, and Isaiah are braving a whole new world.
I share this not just for adoptive parents at all but for all of us trying to do the right thing. It is something I never considered and feel badly I didn't have the broad view to see. What this does though, for all of us, is gives us permission to do what's right for our child when they experience something new....and let's all of us reserve judgement. Every kid is different-and we gotta do what we gotta do.
Well that stopped me. Crap-she's 7. Talk about unfair.
I had just recently had a conversation with our family therapist that was like gold-advice that I desperately needed. We had talked about new situations for the kids and how when a child is part of an event unlike anything they have ever experienced, they have no 'blueprint'. Specifically, a child is unclear what's coming, what they need to do to live up to parental expectations, and frankly, can be really scared or in sensory overload. I had seen recently my kids struggle at an event that met this definition. They were unsure their role, and Ciera especially wasn't taking direction well-something pretty unusual for her. I was irritated with her, kind of embarrassed, and so frustrated. But I learned during this event, I didn't live up to what I needed to do as the mom.
I learned that in these unique situations-kids don't necessarily feel safe. It's not that there is anything truly threatening -because the environment is safe. It's more that the circumstances are unfamiliar, and at a young age, it's hard to process and deliver back the right behavior. When kids want to do the right thing, but they don't feel safe or know what that right response is, they feel lost, and scared.
Once I got this advice, I thought back to the nonsense I have done to my kids-not knowing how totally unfair I was being. I think about Christmas-OMG! People, food, smells, noise. I can't believe they were as good as they were. Vacations, trips, fancy restaurants with linen napkins, hotels, beach-all places and experiences my kids never had before us, and did a great job rising to the occasion. But how unfair I have been to just expect them to 'roll with the punches'....and when I really thought about what I have asked them to do, I am floored they didn't pack their little bags and look for a home elsewhere. I just expected so much of them-and it's all new to them.
Our therapist did an amazing job sharing with me what I can do in these circumstances to help them cope. What she told me, which was a shocking reminder, is that I am the person that makes my kids feel safe. I suppose I knew that was my job, but when I really considered that I can make or break my kids feeling safe, I felt this sense of responsibility that was so glaring it jarred me. She shared that my job is to ground them when we are in new situations....whether that be walking away from the group, getting some lemonade, and taking a walk....putting the kids in the car for 10 minutes, talking with them, and showing back up at the party, or just gently saying "I'm over here" in a crowded room.
So this weekend, I tried some of these things with Ciera-and I am thrilled I did. She behaved fine, she had fun even though she told me she was nervous, and she was so happy to be included. She took quite a nap afterward too, which let me know that she rose to the occasion, but at the end of the day, she's 7, and she, and Isaiah are braving a whole new world.
I share this not just for adoptive parents at all but for all of us trying to do the right thing. It is something I never considered and feel badly I didn't have the broad view to see. What this does though, for all of us, is gives us permission to do what's right for our child when they experience something new....and let's all of us reserve judgement. Every kid is different-and we gotta do what we gotta do.
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