The Unexpected Housewife

This holiday season, there is a person who's not in my house and not at my table, but a very present being.  She's a person we don't know well but she's been integral in the creation of our family.  She's Isaiah and Ciera's birth mom. We have spent more time lately than typical speaking and praying for her.  Beginning with Thanksgiving, I could tell the kids were experiencing a more complicated emotion and loss.  They met me at the door on Thanksgiving to share that they missed her and were sad she couldn't be part of our holiday.  There have been some tears, some expressions through writing, and lots of tough conversations.  While Isaiah and Ciera recall their birth mom, their memories are cloudy-but they are devoted, loving and thoughtful where she is concerned. I've thought about her most days in the past few months.  The children have made such strides and our bond as a family has grown.  This Christmas is light years better than last year, ...

Bob and I will be married four years in April.   The day we married was a beautiful spring day.  Just the two of us walked down the beach on Hilton Head, and said our vows.   We had decided to get married without an audience because we wanted a simple and sweet time, quiet, with our focus dedicated to each other.   We'd taken our first trip together to Hilton Head while dating, and the beach has been part of the fiber of our relationship.   Bob proposed to me on a secluded spot on St Croix, and we've been enjoying the ocean ever since. Fast forward almost four years. I am certain that life was a mirage.   I think we've tested our bond quite well.   We've lived in three places, built a home, adopted two kids, put a dog to sleep, changed jobs.....real life to the limit.   Last week, Bob had ACL surgery for the third time.   It's been a bit ugly.  The pain has been tough and he's been really brave. We spent the first fe...

I disliked most of the time I spent as a teenager.  I felt consistently awkward, lacked confidence, and couldn't really figure out who I was.  I was considered "smart"-good classes, debate team, but was never athletic.  I had a core group of really nice friends, and they were good to me, but I felt so insecure I feared they would disappear in a moment. I was a classic good girl.  I didn't get in to trouble.  I wasn't interested in drinking or anything like that, I liked school, and was in the youth group at church.  However, being a teen was hard-people were tough, comments were unkind, and frankly, I yearned for college and an opportunity to reinvent myself. When I left for college, I was thrilled to be the only person from my high school attending Miami University.  I wanted the chance to be myself, be real, and leave it up to others to take it or leave it.  I was so blessed that I fell into a hallway my freshman year with girls who were funny...

About three years ago, Bob and I took our honeymoon to France.  We planned the trip for months, did tons of research and reading, and were thrilled we had saved enough to make it happen.  We were able to get advice from friends and family who had been there, and were beside ourselves when the trip began in late August. We flew to Paris, and immediately took a train out to Beaune, part of the Burgundian wine country.  We'd heard that it was lovely, low pressure, and a great place to really relax.  We found it to be entirely true.  We reveled in the food, local, inexpensive wines, and the markets.  We ate all kinds of delicacies and loved chatting with the locals.  Our first morning there, Bob ran out to get breakfast.  What he came back with is forever emblazoned in my memory.  The chocolate crossaints from a local bakery were paired with the most decadant hot chocolate, made in the hotel in which we were staying.  I felt like a princess...

I was recently thinking back to about a year ago when we were transitioning the kids to live with us.  It was a really exciting time but full of havoc and change.  Each weekend the kids would come to stay with us, and on Sunday nights we'd return them to their foster home.  The drive back to Charlotte without them was always hard.  Bob and I would have long talks, sometimes with our moms on the phone, sometimes through tears, as we drove back.  We'd work hard to get everything done we could during the week so that the weekends with the kids were devoted to them and helping them adjust. It was during last fall that I really learned how blessed I was to have solid friendships.  A wonderful group of my girlfriends rallied around me, helped me celebrate-and threw me a family 'completion' brunch.  While my situation was not the norm, they totally understood that this was a special time that they wanted to celebrate with me.  They were kind, supportive...

Last week, the kids and Bob and I were on vacation in Hilton Head.  Bob's dad and his girlfriend-Grandma and Grandpa-joined us.  In order to do this, I pulled the kids from school for the week.  Less than ideal, but I was so encouraged that when I asked the teachers for work and their support, they were great, providing work for us to do with the kids and encouraging all of us to have a great time. Hilton Head is a very special place to me.  As a child, my family vacationed there most years, and we enjoyed time at the beach in the warm water.  We loved trying the restaurants, taking walks on the beach, and they are truly some of my favorite memories.  Bob and I got married on the beach there, and now Being able to share that special place with friends and family-especially the kids, has been really awesome, like passing down a tradition. It struck me, one day on the trip, as I watched the kids playing in the ocean with their boogie boards (once of which w...

So this past weekend, Ciera attended a couple birthday parties. All week she was asking questions about them, what to wear...and then it hit me.  I asked her "Have you ever been to a birthday party?".  "No.", she replied.  "Only ones for my brother and me.". Well that stopped me.  Crap-she's 7.  Talk about unfair. I had just recently had a conversation with our family therapist that was like gold-advice that I desperately needed.  We had talked about new situations for the kids and how when a child is part of an event unlike anything they have ever experienced, they have no 'blueprint'.  Specifically, a child is unclear what's coming, what they need to do to live up to parental expectations, and frankly, can be really scared or in sensory overload.   I had seen recently my kids struggle at an event that met this definition.  They were unsure their role, and Ciera especially wasn't taking direction well-something pretty unusual for her...

I've been back at work for almost three weeks and it's been really great.  My co-workers have provided such a warm welcome to my return that it's just felt really nice.  While there is no doubt that it's tough, the floors at the house are not as clean as 30 days ago, and my kids have had pancakes for dinner, the rhythm of our home is getting back. The first few days were tough on my kids, and they struggled a bit.  I was asking a lot of them too, when I really took a step back and considered what I was asking of them-new afterschool program, packing sports clothes to take with you in the morning for the evening activities, snacks, lunch-and that I honestly struggle some days to remember all that is going on, so how can I be frustrated with a 7 and 8 year old?  I have had a few nights where I sat up just being concerned for them, but I'm lucky that the next nights were peaceful.  Each day is different and I am trying to take things in stride as much as possible....

Last weekend was Isaiah's birthday.  It's a right of passage at his school to spray paint the rock on the front lawn of the school however you want, and highlight your birthday.  Being type A, I signed he (and Ciera) up before school began.  On Isaiah's birthday eve, we packed in the car to defame the rock. On the way there, Ciera alerted us "I've been thinking that I I'll get married in a field".....great news.  Bob advised she need not worry about that for a long time, and in fact, considering living with Isaiah when you are grown because you love to tell him what to do....to which Isaiah adamantly exclaimed "No way, Jose!".  Can't blame him.  Girlfriend never stops talking and shares it all. After stepping back from the painted rock, I was quite concerned.  Bob asked me what I thought....The copy read "Isaiah is 8", a very reasonable sentence for the rock.  However, the "8" seemed wrong, in fact, it vaguely resembled ...

I've been asked how we 'found' Isaiah and Ciera, so I thought I'd put some thoughts down for those who are interested.  Adopting older children is kind of different and less common.  Sadly, this is likely why there are so many children in the system, and aging out of the system.  It is so tragic that, by no fault of their own, kids are removed from their birth families, rehomed with foster families, and often have to go on to make a new life for themselves.    Though were were naive, we knew, going into this, that adopting older children came with its own set of challenges.  We also knew that many of these children don't get adopted because of the stigma associated, that they are 'damaged'.  Bob had a true heart for adopting older children, and felt convicted that this was the way God wanted us to build our family.  I was certainly nervous, but I trusted his gut. We set out to try to find out how to do this-no simple task. When Bob and I dec...

I'm doing this parenting class and it's rocking. I like order.  No doubt about it, these kids are funny but it is a good thing-because they are MESSY.  They are forgetful.  They are loud.  They are my mountain. However, Love and Logic is cracking me up.  I am literally laughing as I discipline them because they have NO CLUE what the hell is going on.  They just shut up because they are left speechless.  And that, my friends, is awesome. For some reason, the kids thought playing Marco Polo (yes, the pool game) in the backseat as we are driving home the other night is cool.  The ridiculousness of this did not escape me.  You know where the other kid is-because you are buckled into your seats....how this is even a game is beyond me. Nevertheless, the escalating noise finally got to me, and I politely asked them to stop the (stupid) game.   This lasted about 30 seconds until it resumed.  I let it go, but when I pulled into th...

Once I received the children's adoption decrees in late June, my next step was to gain updated Social Security cards for both children that would now reflect their new last name.  As you can imagine, it's important for us on many levels to have all legal documents correctly updated.  It's critical because without cards that are updated to reflect our family name, we would not be able to claim the children as dependents on our taxes....and all the implications therein. So, at this point, all I had were adoption decrees, with a seal, that said the children were ours and they had a new last name.  However, I had been advised by several experts that Social Security offices vary on their willingness to provide new SS cards with only decrees, as most prefer birth certificates.  To make things more complicated,  I stilll don't have new birth certificates from the state of NC with the kids new names on them-and I won't for months.  Vital Records takes months ...

As I return to work next week, I am flooded with thoughts about this summer, energy to dive back in to my role, and conversations with the children to prepare them for yet another shift in their routine. This summer was a gift.  I wish all parents could have the opportunity to spend a summer with their kids-adopted or not-and embrace the time.  We had a blast. I had the kids develop their own Top 10 list of Summer 2015 and I was thrilled to see the items they noted-from trips to the beach, time with their cousins and grandparents, time at the pool and camps.  I did the same and shared my lists with them.  I was thrilled this summer to really get to know Isaiah and Ciera.  I loved taking them to lunch, museums, staying in hotels on our own, and reading on the couch with them.  I am walking away from this time feeling like my kids are really mine, and we are able to communicate better, appreciate each others likes and dislikes, and frankly, that I am really ...

My dog, Ben, is a punchline throughout my family.  My adoration for him has no bounds, my forgiveness everlasting, and it's the most ridiculous love affair of my life.  I will never claim him to be well behaved; however, it's a friendship that has shown me unconditional love. Ben is eleven.  I adopted Ben when he was a few months old, from a shelter.  He was the first dog I ever had-after many years of wanting one.  He was fuzzy, ill, and cost me a fortune to better.  Through the years, he has demonstrated his devotion, while finicky, and has been my faithful companion.  He's joined many a conference call with his shrill bark, scared away a delivery guy or two (while only 12 pounds himself) and managed to eat most of the things he should never touch. Earlier this week, Ben and I took a run.  We do this from time to time, and it never ceases to amaze me that Ben, in his senior age, can not only keep up with me, but is typically up ahead of me-som...

Early in my career, as I began managing people, I discovered that my desire for perfection was cascading to those on my team.  As a new manager, I was so desiring them to succeed (and let's be honest-me too) that I felt really uncomfortable letting them present to others or submit documents, without adding my commentary-usually which was not necessary at all.  In fact, all it did was dilute the impact of my teammate, make him or her feel like they had probably not done a good job, and reduce their interest to take the lead another time. I wasn't really aware of it at the time.  I spent the first year managing a team feeling really nervous.  I felt like I was 'fooling' everyone, like I didn't deserve the responsibility, even though I had worked for years to earn it.  Looking back, what I was doing was inappropriately allowing feelings of anxiety to exhibit-and at the expense of those whom I needed to trust-and trust me. I was leaving a large meeting one day, an...

When the kids' adoption was finalized, I realized that I would officially lose the support of my social worker and the kids' social worker.  While both of them are amazing, wonderful people, they have a community to serve, and can't be my first call for advice, questions, etc.  I was able to get a referral to something called "Post Adoption Services".....basically an agency that continues supporting a new family after the adoption is finalized.  About a month ago, two women, both social workers, came to my home, sat with me, and we talked through our family, what's working, what needs improvement, and what kind of support we think we'd still benefit from.  When our meeting was over, I told them I felt like I could breathe, knowing there was someone at the other end of the phone if I felt like I was dealing with a situation out of my league.   It doesn't happen often, but I love having that safety net. I think there is a preconceived notio...

While we were on vacation last week, my right elbow swelled to 4x normal size in the course of hours, was horribly painful, hot, and sensitive to the lightest touch.  During the night, I had to drag my happy self to the pharmacy to get Tylenol, etc, but by 7am the next morning, after no sleep, Bob took me to urgent care, Hilton Head Island style.  Diagnosis-Bursitis of the elbow.  Effectively, overuse has inflamed the sac around the joint. Not hugely serious, but very painful.   6 days of anti inflammatories, pain meds, etc.  So now I find myself 8 days in, and any activity still makes this sucker swell up.  I had planned that the final 3 weeks of my leave, while the kids were at school, would be dedicated to home projects, cooking, and reorganizing the attic.  I am beyond frustrated, annoyed, and often in pain.  Working to rest this is a job on its own.  Still seeking to be 'at home mom' extradionarre- I defrosted my amazing, homemade chi...

Kids began school on Monday.  As Bob and I were working out early Monday am, he asked if I was going to cry walking the kids into their new classes.  I adamantly replied "no way, not my style.  Just not sentimental".  He agreed, I am not. Got the kids up, got them moving.  Ciera admitted she had awoken during the night and was so excited she couldn't fall back to sleep.  Kids ate breakfast, fed the dogs.  Seemed like things were going to go as planned.  If they did, I had plans to treat myself to lunch...:) Wasn't meant to be.  After the seventh time Felicity the Bulldog puked, I knew the day was going to be different than I had envisioned.  However, I figured she'd survive while Bob and I did first day of school fun.  School was a mob scene....Kids everywhere.  I was reminded to walk the green line on the floor by my own kids.  We found each of their classrooms without trouble, introduced our happy selves to the teacher...

We spent a final summer weekend on Hilton Head just before the start of school.  It was lovely in a million ways.  I found I was able to take things, even my own emergency to urgent care, more in stride. The kids were delightful.  I had a great time playing with them, building in the sand, swimming, and beamed with pride when they politely ordered their own meals...something they've learned to do since living with me.   We played games, took a nap during a thunderstorm, and authentically laughed.  My mother joined us for the trip.  The kids adore her and the feelings are mutual. There is something so warming to see she and the kids love each other, like I was able to bring some people together who really needed the other.  I have realized by having my own kids how valuable and wonderful my mother is. She totally jumps in, helps cooking, plays with them, and encourages them to learn.   Mom also gives us the great gift of time alone. Bob a...

We are in the process of having some work done on the house, which is very exciting.  Once completed, the back of our house will have a screened in porch-one with windows-providing a kind of three season room.  When Bob and I discussed this, we were considering how we could carve out a space in the house that would simply be dedicated for us-if we had company, we had a place for our friends...and when we are home with just the kids, we'd be able to be around them....but in a way that would provide more space.  Thus, the porch. As with any construction, there have been hiccups from day one.  The floor has had to be installed twice because the wood was laid incorrectly....etc.  One of the guys working on the porch was clearly embarrassed when I caught him picking cherry tomatoes from my garden and eating them.  You can imagine his surprise when I suggested he grab some basil to go with it.   Ben the Dog and Felicity are in rare form.  Ben is s...

Traveling home from Cincinnati at 5am on Sunday, Bob and I, in true business form, discussed our vacation post mortem.  Best practices and lessons learned are listed below. 1.  Felicity does not prefer nice hotels.  Until Felicity can appreciate luxury, she will need to remain at home while we travel.  We hope this changes for her, but our taste will not change. Ben is ambivalent, but satisfied enough that he is not being abandoned. 2. Our kids don't ride their bikes when we bring them 1400 miles, and bikes on the back of a packed car are a pain in the ass. We will never do that again. 3. Trash bags are key.  For everything. 4.  The beer we brought and purchased was all drank.  We can never have enough beer.  Save room in the car for beer. 5.  Someone is going to cry.  It's just going to happen.  And at some point, it will be me. 6. Bring extra sheets.  Someone or something is bound to pee in the wrong place. 7.  Be...

We spent several days in NY state with Bob's family this summer.  Seeing Bob and his Dad together made me reflect on my own dad.  He's been gone about 13 years.....I am sure,like most, some days that feels like eons, and at other times, like 5 minutes.  Dad and I had a special friendship, especially as I got into my late teens and 20s.  He totally understood and remembered how tough it was to be a teenager.   He knew I wasn't inclined to drink or try smoking nor drugs, so he trusted me for the most part.  He always said if I was ever at a party and felt uncomfortable, he'd come get me, no questions asked.  Because of that trust, I did take him up on his offer more than once.  He was totally cool about it and never pushed me.  Shortly before I left for college, Dad became very ill, and he and Mom ran him to the ER.  I was standing in the living room at the bay window when Mom called to share he had pneumonia....and emphysema.  Mom ...

Approaching midnight on our trip north, it was time to find a hotel.   First exit, no rooms.  I told Bob I was beginning to feel like I was a young girl on a donkey seeking a space at the inn.   The Days Inn beaconed us.  Unloading the circus of people and now 2 dogs was a task of its own.  I was really put off by the sign that read "no pets in hotel".  Bummer for you, Days Inn.  We were not turning back.  We quickly scurried to the room,  like a jacked up parade.   8 hours later, back on the road.  I officially broke the rules.   We've had a great visit in NY state with Bob's family.  The weather with cooler temperatures has been a welcome change from the oppressive heat in Charlotte.  I ate beef on wick last night for the first time.   It's roast beef on a salt and caraway seed roll. The great blend of savory and salty is delightful. I mentioned we have 2 dogs now.   Why not add to the menagerie?  B...

Yesterday was awesome.  The kids and Bob had given me a 1/2 day spa treatment for Mother's Day, so I finally used it.  I enjoyed a massage, facial, and mani pedi.  The last facial I had was about 10 years ago....so I was concerned I would find the facial a bit intrusive.....someone touching my face?  Truth be told, it was a little weird, but nothing I couldn't get past:).  While I was enjoying the face mask, the specialist massaged my feet and calves.  Needless to say-a restful morning that was really lovely. I did something a few weeks ago that has totally made me feel great.  I threw my scale in the trash.  Literally.  It was at the curb.  For years, I have weighed myself every day and my attitude toward the day has been dictated by a number.  It's been so burdensome and has impacted my family significantly.  Since I have more time this summer, I have been at the gym more, running, cooking better and healthier, so whatever t...

As the kids and I were leaving the house yesterday in the car, they happened to mention that there was a dead squirrel laying on the roof outside Ciera's window.  Seemed odd, but they both confirmed the story.  They were so calm that I was shocked.  Isaiah even had a proposed backstory that included a battle with a turkey vulture.  They were so adamant that I got Bob on the phone to see if he had heard anything during the night-and prepare him for clean up  duty.  Dead animals are out of scope for me. Pulling into the drive on the way into the house, there was something on the roof.  Brown, odd looking, small.  I put out one more challenge for confirmation to the kids, and assured them I'd do the double check. We were not in the house 3 minutes when they came downstairs yelling "it's a leaf, it's a leaf!!!" Far more likely.  Sure enough, the leaf had been mistaken for a dead squirrel.  I myself am not sure on WHAT PLANET a leaf looks l...

My kids have been in camp at the YMCA this week. It's been awesome for a lot of reasons.  First off, the Y just gets how to make camp operational and simple for parents.  LOVE IT.  I even got an email about the pick up traffic flow changing-this director is a woman after my own heart.  Isaiah is doing a flag football camp.  He loves it.  Learning a ton, but to his surprise, one does not become a pro football player in minutes.  The first day included drills for agility, balance and speed as well as scrimages.  Isaiah shared some pretty serious surprise that to play football well, one must PRACTICE.  In fact, on day 2, Isaiah was pretty certain that since he'd been part of so much practice on Monday, surely Tuesday would be dedicated to games only.  Today he is at the Panthers practice field, and I am sure that he's expecting to be drafted.  It's amazing to me to witness the confidence that can be found in this little person. Ciera ...

Right off, let me say being off from work this summer is a huge blessing.  I work for a great company, on a great team, that recognizes work life balance, appreciates life changes, and allows people to grow in all aspects of their life. My kids are completely benefiting from my focus on them.  We are getting closer as a family, and our life has a calmness that we truly needed.  However.... I'm about 3 weeks into my leave of absence.  I can't help but feel like I am supposed to be someplace, or that I am missing a meeting or a phone call.  I've worked in one job or another since high school, and full time since the minute I graduated from college, so not having someplace to report to or typical deadlines is really strange.  I've discovered how a day can go by really quickly, and sometimes it feels like I have little to show for it.  I'm seeking to find satisfaction in new things, like helping the kids read a book, do an entry in the journals I bought t...

It's Shark Week if anyone has missed that.  Discovery Channel is all sharks, all day and night.  Isaiah is obsessed with sharks and knows facts I can't even begin to understand how he's acquired.  So, this week is pretty much like a holiday for him.  Since I have to believe that Shark Week shows are better TV than about 90% of the kids cartoon nonsense that is on, I have my DVR at capacity keeping the shows for him. However, last night, when reviewing the episodes recorded, I discovered this amateur mom had recorded shark attack victim survivor stories.  It wasn't until the parental warning message came on at the start that an alarm went off in my body-oh CRAP.  Quickly, I stopped the show explaining horribly that some of the shark week shoes are not a good fit for children.  Crestfallen, Isaiah understood but was irritated with me.  He and I have a deal on these shows-you must continue to swim in the ocean, there are no sharks in Hilton Head (wi...

So this blog was initially intended to serve for fun ideas, house stuff, etc.  And while I intend to continue to put those out there, I'd be remiss if I didn't allow the blog to evolve along with my story, and the story of my family. About 7 months ago,  Isaiah (7) and Ciera (6) came to live with us.  After a long adoption journey, Bob and I found the children we were seeking and it was the best Thanksgiving we've ever had.  7 months later, the world in my little home has changed more than I can ever write about.  It's been great, loving, crazy, loud and MESSY.  I've taken some time off this summer to spend with them, and in an effort to keep my sanity solid, I'm returning to the writing I enjoy. I could go back and write the whole story, but that seems silly as so much has happened.  So, I'm picking up where I am, and we are, today.  I'll throw in some anecdotes along the way. We just returned from the longest roadtrip known to man.  I ...